What having a friend looks like, Scientifically…

Since I review a lot of research, finding unusual studies with unique methods captures my attention. This study, though it is small, (it studied 56 sixth-grade pairs), has a high level of intrigue for me¹. The reason for this is the methodology they used to study these children. They recorded video tape of the children interacting with a friend and contrasted that to a video of the same child interacting with an acquaintance. They also tracked heart rate and took saliva samples.  As you will see, the results seem to uniquely capture the difference between experiencing friendship and simply being acquainted with someone.  I think this highlights why it’s so important for your child to have good friends both at home and at school.

What they found in this study was that during interactions with friends the two children were more attentive, emotionally positive, talkative, active, involved, relaxed, and playful.  They were, what I would call, truly engaged with each other.  This was not the case with an acquaintance.  Saliva analysis suggested that when interacting with a friend that a child feels lower stress. They spent more time in these interactions in interested and animated states. They also assigned higher ratings of liking to their actions and interaction with friends. The pairs of friends more often shared the same behavioral states (e.g., playful). 

In contrast, acquaintances paid more attention to each other’s turn taking signals, so that when one person was talking the other person was silent. To me, this summarizes the difference between these two states.   It captures the real sense of playful connection children feel when interacting with a friend.  When talking with friends, the children were more playful, more relaxed, more engaged, more positive,  had more fun etc.  Consider the thought of your child interacting in that way most of each day with friends at school and at home.  Then, consider your child in the somewhat perfunctory way of interacting with an acquaintance in which both are trying to behave well by taking turns, but there is a real lack of connection, playfulness, and arguably, of joy.  It seems from these types of interactions that synergy emerges.  I was listening to an interview on NPR today in which the lead singer, guitar player was sharing that his best friend from when he was 10 years old is also his band mate in his band Green Day.  What is possible from such a sense of connection?  What can come out of years of positive interaction?  How do you want your child to spend his days?  How do you feel when you are around friends versus acquaintances?  Without friends at school, can you really consider your child to be in a “warm supportive atmosphere?”  How do people learn in an atmosphere of acquaintances in which taking your turn trumps the joy of really connecting with friends and synergistically creating fun, just plain old fun together?

Your child needs friends.  Friends make life a lot more fun.  Past this, imagine spending your whole life in the acquaintance stage.  Would that not stymie further growth and development as well as exploration by the caution that is required to learn about another person and to initially relate to them?  Based on this research, don’t you think it is worth keeping up on your child’s friendships so you know when to your child may need more “friendship time”?

This study also brings many good questions to the surface.  It is something to think about, something to not take for granted and something to look at more closely.  If your child has any special needs you may find that this affects his or her abilities to make and keep friends.  If that is the case or you see your child is “low” on “friendship time”, is there anything you as a parent can do to assist your child in finding and keeping friends? 

First, it is obvious there is much you cannot do.  However, keep an eye out.  There may be simple things you can do to help.  For example, if you are concerned about the amount of “friendship time” your child has, try to find more opportunities rather than less for your child to do activities with the children that are friends.  This could include keeping a child in the same league because that is where his or her friends are instead of moving to a more competitive league, inviting those friends over more often or even letting your child expand to join activities his or her friends are already doing.  

You won’t believe this but I just got this email as I was finishing this post, an email from my youngest son’s teacher:

“Dear Mr. and Mrs. Shinaver,

I wanted to pass along praise for your son for a kind gesture that he did in class.  Another student did not have beans for the day and did not want to ask for them, so out of the kindness of his heart, your son sacrificed one of his beans and gave it to this student.  Beans are my reward system and for him to give one up for a friend is such a kind gesture and great act of kindness.  I just thought you might like to know this.  It really has been a great year having him in the classroom.

Thank you,

Miss Mindy”

Who knows where friends can take each other, even friends from when you were 10 years old…

More importantly, life lived with friends is such a rich and fulfilling life without them it is more than a bit empty.

Dr. Charles Shinaver

Located in Carmel, Indiana near Indianapolis, Noblesville, Fishers, Zionsville, and Westfield.

Parent of students at Our Lady of Mount Carmel School and Guerin Catholic High School.

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1 Field, Tiffany; Greenwald, Paul; Morrow, Connie; Healy, Brian; Foster, Tamar; Guthertz, Moshe; Frost, Patricia “Behavior state matching during interactions of preadolescent friends versus acquaintances.”  Developmental Psychology. Vol 28(2), Mar 1992, 242-250. doi: 10.1037/0012-1649.28.2.242