Parenting Young Children: Behavior Chart Served with An Empathic Bond

Two things your child needs: an empathic connection with you and systematic, specific and accurate feedback.

Give him empathy without accurate feedback and he begins in the world with delusions of his greatness. This will likely blossom into the notion that the world revolves around him.

Critical feedback given to him without an empathic connection and he is likely to begin feeling empty, disconnected, criticized, wounded. Over time this may sow the seeds that tend to grow into perfectionism.

A balance between an empathic connection and feedback is important, but err on the side of empathic connection. Your sons and daughters will have many people who will find their mistakes. They need you to feel for them and be compassionate but honest when they need to improve. Bottom line: They need to know you are always on thier side!

I used to work in residential treatment. In that setting you get children who have been abused and neglected. The empathic bond with the parents has been broken or severely damaged. What we used to use was a ratio of 4:1. It was 4 positive comments to each corrective or critical comments. Believing that the critical is sufficient is far from the truth, but it is more than that. The time and effort you take to make these positive observations gives your child emotional energy but it also continues to build the empathic bond you have with your child. Establishing trust comes much earlier in the child’s life when you are consistent and reliable in feeding, soothing and comforting your child. However, if you focus only or mostly on correcting your child you can sap the emotional energy, fun and love from the relationship. So, when you consider behavior charts keep this in mind.

Behavior charts can be as simple as a chore chart that you check off as your child completes his work. Yet, it can be much more specific (as it often is in residential treatment.) But behavior charts delivered without empathy turn the family stomping ground into frozen tundra; shaping the giving of feedback into a cold and often excessively critical process.

This is not to say that parents should not be clear and specific about expectations and behavior.   Clear and specific boundaries are a loving gift parents need to give their children if they want to facilitate maturity through time. 

Parents who refuse to give their child direct, honest and critical feedback miss a great opportunity to help them grow. The issue is not refusing to give them critical feedback for fear of “damaging their self-esteem”.  The issue is whether you have an empathic bond with them. If you do and they sense you “get” how he or she feels then when you level the critical feedback it is upon a foundation of trust.  That solid ground is the place in which you have your child’s best interests in mind and their feelings in your heart. If that is the case then there is no person better situated to give them critical and challenging feedback.

What develops self-esteem is the development of skills. This does not come without critical feedback. A lack of skill development in any area simply leaves your child as less competent and an easy target for those who don’t have his or her best interests in mind and feelings in their heart. So, be judicious and strive for that 4:1 ratio which is exceedingly hard to do.

The second point I want to make is behavior, in my view, largely tends not to change unless you track it. Behavior charts are the simplest way to track it. I found some very cool sites with free behavior charts here and I want to share them with you.

http://www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com/link_exchange.htm

Free Printable Behavior Charts  Free
printable behavior, chore, potty charts and more with lots of helpful parenting tips and information!

3 strikes chart

Sticker Chart

So, if you brave the world of behavior charts do it with a hug, kiss, smile and a large dose of empathy.

Dr. Charles Shinaver
Located in Carmel, Indiana near Indianapolis, Noblesville, Fishers, Zionsville, and Westfield.
Parent of Children at Guerin Catholic and Our Lady of Mount Carmel Schools.
Host of And provider of
Clarity4Health.com Cogmed Working Memory TrainingTM
Life Coaching, BeachBody Coaching and ADHD & Cogmed Coaching you through web and phone:
No matter where you are.
371-641-7794, clarity4health@gmail.com